As you all might have heard, everything changes when you have a baby. There's the usual stuff everyone talks about, ie you discover a love you never thought possible, items around your house lose all meaning but to be categorized under "choking hazard" and "safe," countdowns to bedtime start around 5 am, etc.
Then there's the other shit. The definition of "hey guys let's pull on all nighter!" changes drastically once you have a child. What use to imply loads of questionable fun now invokes fear. Pulling an all nighter with a screaming baby can never be a rollicking good time, no matter how many shots of tequila you've had.
Calm down, I jest. Tequila and tears never go hand in hand.
The definition of "party" also goes to hell. Parties use to be all about the booze and beer pong. Now I scoff at the idea of a beer pong party for several reasons. First they're a breeding ground for germs and what not. You go to one of those things and I guarantee the next day you'll find you've come down with a bad case of meningitis or pregnancy. Secondly they usually start once I'm already passed out in the sweat pants I've been wearing for two days straight. Also they require a level of concentration I've long since lost due to hanging out with a certain little person who has the attention span of a gnat.
A party to me is enjoying a glass of wine and staying up past 9.
And of course we all know the way a woman looks post baby is never the same. If it is the rest of us reserve the right to hate you, justifiably (yes, I'm looking at you J. Lo). I'm not just talking stretch marks, extra pounds, and a stitched up vagina here. If you're anything like me you have your mid life crisis early after giving birth, chop off 11 inches of hair and bleach it blonde. Something you never would've done before, but suddenly it just "makes sense." Don't worry, I've since taken back some of my dignity and gotten ridden of the bleached blondeness.
But seriously, this is why I love Britney, who of us here haven't gotten an intense urge just to shave it off after an especially draining week of shopping, tanning, drinking, and having a nanny? Oh...no?
Things that use to mean nothing to us become our life lines or our luxuries. Coffee. Sleep. A shower. Clean clothes. Push up bras. Etc.
If a guy tried to make us turn our lives upside down and change everything we'd ever known, we'd call them an asshole. Isn't it funny though how some tiny human being who we've know a tiny fraction of our lives makes it all incredibly worth it?
Let's face it, parents are an insane group of people.